Putting myself out there....

Here goes nothing...



It has been one LONG day for me. You know those days where you literally feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Well, it happened...I exploded and fell apart.



Now before I tell this story I must fill you in on some background information...I have this really annoying personality trait that I like to appear as though nothing is wrong and everything is in order...in fact I hate when others become aware of my imperfections. Not sure why I'm this way but it can be at times a huge burden to carry around. Always being afraid someone will notice I'm not perfect (as if my weight doesn't indicate that already...that is a whole other blog post). I mean how ridiculous is that....NO ONE (other than Christ) is perfect! So, why am I so afraid to allow my imperfections to show? I'm not one that tries to judge others for their faults, in fact I seem to be quite the opposite. I find joy in reaching out to those that need a lift or a pick me up...so why is it so scary for me to put myself out there. I have been this way since I was a child so I know a lot of it is a personality trait, but I think it was magnified as I became a preacher's wife. I try to pretend that it isn't any different than being the wife of a man that doesn't hold the position as a preacher, but let's call a spade a spade....all eyes are on the preacher and his family! Now, you need to know that I LOVE what we do! I can't think of another "job" that brings with it as many blessings as our family gets to experience, but like all "jobs" it brings with it challenges. Living in a fish bowl isn't all it is cracked up to be...especially on days like today! So there you have it....now I can talk freely about my faults....I think the point of this background information is to ask you not to judge me, learn from me :)



Okay, back to today....so I could feel the negative thoughts creeping in from the moment I woke up to Jack in my bed around 5:00 this morning (I don't remember him even getting in my bed...scary!). I took him back to his bed and to keep from hearing the crying tucked him and myself into his toddler bed...why I didn't just stay in the big bed with him is a mystery. I tried my hardest to get myself and Jack ready in time to make the devotional at the nursing home, but after fighting with Jack that there was no reason to be afraid of going to the bathroom by his self and that he had to comb his hair before we left, I realized we weren't going to make it in time. So, we opted for lunch with Daddy.

Next comes Kindermusik at 4:30...all was well until we got to the car. Here is where the story makes a turning point. Jack without a nap is hard enough...Jack tired AND hungry is enough to make one crazy! So, since i wasn't completely unprepared for dinner we had to make a stop before heading home. I tried to concentrate on what it was we needed but couldn't hear myself think through Jack's screams for GUM! (Anyone that knows Jack knows he is a gum ADDICT!) Refusing to give in we made our escape finally...On the way home I called a good friend back and we spoke on the phone as I was getting Jack and the groceries in the door. Here is when the bomb begins to go off....Jack continues to scream for food knowing I am cooking dinner. I think while on the phone I put Jack in time out twice, administered discipline once, and screamed as he spilt spaghetti all over the floor. The friend on the phone is a blog reader and she reminded me that this was just one of those Mommy Moments :) I wised up and got off the phone and tried to finish dinner....



Chris killed his first doe of the season so he got home later than usual...and as he walked in the door I fell apart. Crying, crying, and more crying....all I could think about was what a terrible mother I was and how could I yell at my son over spilt spaghetti....more crying. As I sat on the couch worrying and crying that I would never be the mother my son deserved my precious Jack came to give me a hug and asked me why I was sad. All I could do was hug him and say I was sorry for being impatient and yelling at him. He just rubbed my arm...



After a car ride to chat with a good friend I began seeing a little more clearly again! She reminded me that as long as I'm giving Jack the things God has instructed me to do for him then the rest will fall into place...and you know what....I'm really not a bad mom. I love my son more than life itself. I want nothing more for him than to guide his precious soul to heaven, and if that means I have to tell him no a lot...well, I'm prepared to do that. I'm learning that I will NEVER be the perfect mom...there is no such thing. I'm thankful children are forgiving and love us despite our faults. I think about my parents and to this day I love them so much it hurts...they were never perfect and they made mistakes, but at the end of the day they loved me enough to teach me what was right and forgive me when I too made mistakes. Motherhood is TOUGH! Some days will be "rainy"...but I've decided I'm going to try to enjoy the ride. Jack will be three in a few weeks and I'm realizing that one day I'm going to blink and he will be gone. I might as well learn now to enjoy my "mommy moments" and hug him while I can.



Thanks for listening while I put myself out there....you never know....I may let you know about a few more imperfections I have :)